Silver Bracelet 10: Epiphany
by Brandon
Summary: In which pain is shared, and thereby diminished.


TITLE: Epiphany   
SPOILER WARNING: FTF   
RATING: PG-13, for language   
CONTENT WARNING: Big time CharlieAngst.   
CLASSIFICATION: SRA, MSR, Charlie/other   
SUMMARY: Charlie Scully copes with memories of a tragedy, and finds comfort from a surprising source. A Silver Bracelet story.   
NOTE: This story follows immediately on the heels of "Charlie", and probably won't make a lot of sense if you haven't read that one. "Charlie", as well as all the other Silver Bracelet stories, are available at my web site: http://www.avalon.net/~publius/MyStories.html   
Also: The Silver Bracelet stories take place in an alternate timeline, which diverges from what we've seen on the tube sometime after FTF. Season 6 hasn't happened.   
  


Epiphany 

by Brandon D. Ray   


I slipped out of the room when the hymns started. 

Dana caught my eye, and saw what I was doing, but she just nodded, ever so slightly, knowing where I was going and why, and went on singing with the others. "We Three Kings" it was. I used to love that one. 

I stepped into the kitchen and closed the door, which muted the sound of their voices but didn't block it out entirely. I thought for a moment about going on outside, but it was so damned cold out there, and I'd left my coat in the front closet. No way I could get it without drawing attention to myself, and I was not so completely lost in self-pity that I was willing to go outdoors in 20 degree weather in my shirt sleeves. 

Holidays used to be my favorite times, and Christmas and Twelfth Night were best of all, but that was before I lost Betty and the kids. Now those special times of year range from barely tolerable to excruciating, and I try to skip out on as much of the damned holiday cheer as I can. 

My C.O. just thinks I'm an eager beaver, volunteering as O.D. on Christmas Day or the Fourth of July, but really it's just a way of hiding. When I'm sitting at my desk, knowing that I'm one of about five people in the building, just focusing on the latest intelligence estimates and trying to figure out what that motherfucker in Baghdad is up to THIS time, I can make it all go away for awhile. 

Sometimes. 

Dana is the only one who really understands. We've been close, really close, ever since we were kids. When those bullies at PS 233 beat me up and stole my lunch money, Dana was the one who shared her food with me. When she missed qualifying for the state science competition by a tenth of a point, I was the one who told her they were assholes who didn't know what they were talking about. When Susie Pesek broke my heart in the 10th grade, Dana was was the one who took me out and bought me ice cream, and persuaded me to get right back on the horse and ask another girl out. When that son of a bitch Willis laughed at her when she asked him to marry her, I was the one who held her while she cried. 

And when I lost my wife and children, Dana was the one who dropped everything and stayed with me until I was strong enough to be alone. 

Don't get me wrong; I love my family. But Dana has always been special to me, and she always will be. And I'm so glad she's finally found someone who fulfills her that I could dance for fucking joy. 

That's even mostly true, but when I look inside myself I have to admit that there is a small tinge of jealousy at the fact that she now has someone else she can turn to instead of me. But I always knew this day would come, and I long ago swore to myself that I wouldn't let this feeling rule me. And the fact that the man she's chosen seems to be a hell of a fine human being helps a lot. 

I am pulled out of my reverie by the door opening, and I turn to see who it is. Mulder. Automatically I put that friendly smile on my face -- not the one I show to admirals and Congresscritters, but the one I reserve for people I actually like. It's just a little forced at the moment, that's all, because happy isn't what I'm really feeling right now. 

I can tell by the brief hesitation in his stride that he has seen through my mask, but on top of everything else he is a gentleman, and he ignores it. He steps over to the refrigerator and proceeds to root around in it, looking for something. 

"Can I help you out, Mulder?" I say, taking a step towards him. 

He glances briefly over his shoulder, then turns back to his task. "Yeah. Your mom said there was another quart of egg nog in here, but I can't seem to find it." 

"Oh, yeah," I say. "I saw it earlier. Second shelf, all the way in the back." 

"Got it." He straightens up and turns to face me, and there is nothing but easy friendliness on his face. Mulder and I really hit it off this afternoon, even if he is a Knicks fan. "So Charlie," he says, moving over to the cupboard where mom keeps her mugs and glasses. "When am I going to get to meet your wife and kids?" 

He has his back to me as he delivers this line, so he doesn't see my jaw drop, or the momentary flash of anger on my face, but in another second he's going to turn around and look at me again, and then he'll know, so I quickly turn away from him and lean against the sink. 

He doesn't know,>> I tell myself. That's the only explanation. He doesn't know, because Dana never told him.>> I hadn't realized until he and I had been talking for awhile this morning that Dana had been a one-way conduit between Mulder and me. She'd dumped so much information about him into my lap over the past three years that I just assumed she'd been telling him all about me, as well. 

In retrospect I realize I was wrong about that. I even understand why it was all one way. Dana talked to me at such length about Mulder because she was trying to sort out her feelings about him, and figure out what she wanted. Her mind was conflicted with her heart, and she was using me as a sort of combination sounding board and referee between the two sides of herself. Of course, she had no such conflict when it came to her feelings towards me, and so there was no reason for the information flow to run in the other direction. 

Unfortunately, now I am paying the price for that. Mulder doesn't know about what happened to Betty and the kids, and now he's gone and inadvertently put his foot in a very sensitive place. 

I stand at the sink for a moment, expecting him to go away. It's a guy thing, you see: Guys don't share their emotions with each other, and when one of us does slip and let something through, the others are honor bound to pretend not to have seen it, and withdraw from the situation as soon as possible. 

Only I guess Mulder never heard about that rule, because suddenly I feel the lightest possible touch on my shoulder, and I close my eyes for just a moment as I realize I'm going to have to deal with this. 

"Charlie?" Mulder's voice is very soft, very gentle. "Charlie? Did I say something wrong?" 

Oh, yeah, Mulder, you said something wrong. But it's not your fault. 

I draw a shaky breath, still holding onto the edge of the sink as tightly as I can. I don't really think I'll collapse on the floor if I let go, but it feels like it. "It's okay, Mulder," I say. "I'm fine." 

Surprisingly, I hear a chuckle at that statement, and I turn my head just enough to see that he is smiling. At the look on my face the smile is instantly gone, and he says, "Sorry. That's what Scully always says when she doesn't want me to know how badly hurt she is." 

I can't help but smile a bit at that. This man really does know Dana, maybe even better than I do. It's nice to have a kindred spirit at last. 

I realize that I'm still standing here at the sink, looking at Mulder half over my shoulder, and now I look at his eyes and I am surprised at what I find there. Not just the tentative glint of humor as he realizes from my smile that I'm not angry at him, but something else. Caring. Compassion. Empathy. Something that encourages me to share whatever it is that's bothering me, but at the same time assures me that it's okay if I don't want to. 

I think I'm beginning to understand why Dana fell for this guy. 

I shake my head slightly and turn back to the sink, thinking about it. He's going to have to know, sooner or later, and there really isn't a good time or a good way to tell him. Might as well be now. I take a deep breath and try to focus all my attention on the faucet, like it was the Holy Grail or something. I feel Mulder's hand touch my shoulder again, and somehow that makes it easier. 

"My wife," I say, but then suddenly there's this lump in my throat, and I have to swallow it back down and start over. "My wife...Betty. And Mikey, and Sarah. They...they were in the Murrah Building. Oklahoma City." 

There is a moment of silence that seems to stretch on forever. Images start to form in front of me, things I just don't want to look at right now, and inside I am screaming for Mulder to goddamned say something, and take my attention off of this. 

Finally he speaks. "Jesus, Charlie. I'm so sorry. I didn't know." 

And the people in the living room choose that exact moment to launch into "Brightest and Best of the Sons of the Morning," Betty's favorite of all the Twelfth Night hymns, and I just lose it. My knees give out and I slide down onto the floor, and Mulder is going right down with me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders while I sob like a baby. 

After awhile I run down, but we continue to sit there, kind of cuddled together. Mulder doesn't say anything, doesn't move, is hardly even breathing, just being there and letting me know that I'm not alone. Jesus. If he's always like this I don't know how Dana managed to hold out for three years before finally giving in to him. I'm not a touchy-feelie sort of guy, but I am just completely and totally comfortable, sitting here with him holding me. And after a bit, I hear myself start to talk. 

"I was running late that day," I hear myself saying. "Betty and I slept through the alarm, but she was always more organized than I was, and she had herself dressed and the kids ready for daycare before I had even had my shower. So I told her to head on in to work, and I'd follow in the Cavalier in a few minutes. 

"I was almost there when I heard this booming noise. I didn't know what it was -- gas main explosion, maybe, though it would've had to have been a pretty fucking humongous gas main to generate that much of a shockwave. Then a couple minutes later I came around the corner and I saw...well, you were in Dallas." 

I have to stop for a minute to get my breathing back under control, because now we're coming to the bad part. "I jumped out of the car and ran towards the building. Never even crossed my mind that there might be more explosions, or that the building might collapse on me or something. I just knew that my wife and kids were in there, and I had to find them. 

"It was horrible. There was rubble everywhere, and people hurt, and crying, the cops and ambulances were just starting to arrive.... God. I wound up working with one of the rescue teams, digging people out, saving those we could and...and rescuing the bodies of those we couldn't. And the whole time I was looking for Betty and Mikey and Sarah." 

The lump is back in my throat, but this time swallowing doesn't seem to be doing me any good, and so I just decide to press on and get it over with. "And then I found Mikey. And he was alive. He was buried under a bunch of bricks and stuff, but he was still alive. I knew I couldn't move him, I knew I had to wait for the paramedics, so I just lay down next to him. His breathing was so shallow...I could barely see his chest moving. And then it stopped." 

The tears are streaming down my face again, and my shoulders are shaking. I don't know what Mulder must be thinking about all this, but way in the back recesses of my mind I remember what Dana has told me about the tragedies he's had to endure, so maybe it's okay. Finally he says, very softly, "He was waiting for you, Charlie." 

I nod my head. "Yeah, I know. I figured that out. And I thank God every single day that I was allowed to be with him when he died. But god, Mulder, it hurts so much. It hurts so much." And then I just break down and cry again for awhile. 

At last things seem to calm down a bit. I don't think I want to go into the nightmares; we've had enough for now, both of us. I look into his eyes and the empathy and compassion are still there, he's still reaching out to me, and I have this sudden realization, almost blinding in its wonder and simplicity, that I don't need to be jealous of this man. He's not taking my sister from me. He's not taking Dana. He's completing her, and he's going to be there for me, just as she has always been, because now he's part of who she is. It's like an epiphany. 

Suddenly I start to laugh, as I realize what day it is and just how fucking appropriate that word is. Mulder's looking a little puzzled, but I'm too wound up with laughter to be able to explain it to him, he'll just have to wait. I clutch my sides and double over, almost choking with hilarity. I know it's not really THAT funny, but I can't stop myself. I guess it's a way of blowing off steam. 

After a minute or so the laughter dies down until it's just a chuckle or two, and finally I stop and wipe my eyes on my shirt sleeve. Mulder says, "Care to share the joke with me?" 

I shake my head. "S-sorry. It would take too long to explain. And it wasn't THAT funny, really." 

"Are you guys okay?" 

We both look up, and there's Dana standing in the doorway, concern writ large on her face. I don't know exactly how much of this she witnessed, but I'm not really up to going over it again, and besides, I'm actually feeling much better now than I was a few minutes ago. 

"We're fine, sis," I say, climbing to my feet and offering Mulder a hand up. "Me and your main squeeze were just doing a little bonding." 

It must be pretty damned obvious that I've been crying, but she seems to accept that explanation and smiles. "Good. I'm glad to see you two guys getting along so well. It means a lot to me." Then she takes three quick steps forward and wraps one arm around me and the other around Mulder and pulls us close, wedging her head in between our chests. "I love you both so much." 

What's a guy to do? I look over at Mulder, and there's an amused grin on his face. He winks at me, and I wink back. Then he puts his arms around me and Dana, and I reciprocate, and we just stand there for a moment having this three way hug. 

Epiphany. Yeah. That's definitely the right word.   
  


Fini   


[Go to the next Silver Bracelet story][1]

   [1]: WomaninLove.html



End file.
